James got downstairs just as Lily was buttoning her coat. She waited as he pulled his from the closet, avoiding his cloak since it would be a hindrance for throwing snowballs. James opened the door for her and followed her to the backyard, where two different snow forts were being constructed on opposite sides. There was a silence when people looked up and saw them, then Sirius broke it. "Prongs, get your butt over here! We need your know-it-all opinion on this fort. Moony seems to have some hair-brained plans."
While James went to join Sirius, Lily walked over to where the women and older girls were building a fort, the children being inside to play with their new toys. She knelt by Serenity and silently started packing the wall.
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"What are you two going to do?" Serenity asked apprehensively.
"I don't what I'm going to do, Serry. I'm trying to just forget it, but I can't! I guess I was stupid to think that I'm the only one. I just can't forget it."
"Oh Lily." Serenity hugged her friend as an icy tear started it's trail down her face.
"But then again, I never really thought about it. It didn't ever matter when it wasn't an issue. I'm scared, Serenity."
"Of course you are, everybody is scared of the possibility of change. Nobody likes to be rocked out of their safe little nook. I don't think this is the place for you to be right now, why don't you go back in?"
Lily nodded numbly, mechanically rising from the snow and dusting herself off. She started toward the house, sinking to nearly her knees in the snow, and it was just a moment later that she felt a sudden absence of the wind. James had stepped to her left, blocking the north wind. He didn't speak for a long time. They went inside, and James hung up Lily's coat, then led her to the kitchen where he started making hot chocolate with surprising adeptness. Stll silence. They were both sitting at the small table with a cup of the hot chocolate before James started talking.
"I had no idea of what I was doing. I was so completely lost for that month. I would hope to just catch a glimpse of you, maybe I would get lucky and be able to watch you talking to some friends, and you would be smiling and laughing. But at the same time I felt like I was in Hell. If you talked at me, it was to make your negative opinions known. I was never really completely together, part of me would always be watching for you, and thinking about you, the most primitive part of my mind running on autopilot, just gliding along."
"James, I really do-"
"Just let me tell you, then you can make your decision, and this will be over, one way or another."
There was a desperate look on his face that Lily couldn't deny, so she just nodded for him to continue.
"One day I saw you leave quidditch practice with Thomas Appleton. I know it was irrational, and it was the day you tutored people, but I couldn't help but be insanely jealous. I loved you then and I still do, and I don't know what to do without you. I felt like I was getting punched everytime I looked at you and you turned away. It was Narcissa."
Lily dropped her cup of hot chocolate from suddenly-slack fingers. She jumped up like lightening and used a spell to dry herself. "Narcissa?! As In Scivor-Malfoy?! That is an insult of the highest degree! Couldn't it have at least been someone decent and sort of respectable?!"
"I deserve to be yelled at. I was wrong and completely stupid. And I'm sorry I hurt you, Lily, that was completely accidental. I never wanted to hurt you."
Lily rested her face in her cupped hands, a million thoughts racing through her mind.
"Lily? Please forgive me, I am so so sorry. I'll do anything to make it up. I-"
"James, shut up."
James sat back sat back in his chair, not sure what to make of this new developement.
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